“If you are reading this now, then I am dead.” Or, to put it another way; we are all dead and you are not really reading this. As the REM song goes; “It’s the end of the world as we know it.”

I prefer the Homer Simpson version. “Leonard what’s his name/ Herman Munster / motorcade / birthday party / Cheetos / pogo sticks and lemonade / you symbiotic stupid jerk / That’s right, Flanders / I am talkin’ about you!”

Friday December 21 marks the end of the world. Well, that’s if you believe in the calendar designed by the Mayans. You remember the Mayans? That crazy old pre-classic Mesoamerican civilisation who built huge pyramids, did nice art and invented the mind-altering Guatemalan devil chilli between 2000BC and 250 AD? They may also have invented the Taco but I have no evidence to back that up. Brilliant folk with a well developed and structured society but couldn’t survive the Spanish Conquistadors and the imminent discovery of the Intermanet? Crafted a finite calendar which just happens to finish the day after tomorrow? Maybe they just ran out of paper? Or got bored.

The End of the World (individual results may vary)

If you believe that the world will end this Friday – and I should point out that Psychic TV is scheduled to air on Saturday and Sunday this week – then you are probably too busy planning your last days to be reading this. For all the normal people, here’s a quick guide to using this phenomenon as a darned good excuse to drink a few good beers before the final curtain.

Brews News Guide to End of the World Beers.

La Fin du Monde from those blokes with doubly funny accents in French-speaking Canada (Oh-hor-horr, eh!) is a beer whose name literally means the End of the World so that one picks itself. Depending on whether you’ve been naughty or nice you may wish to reach for an Angel’s Share from California’s Lost Abbey Brewery or a Satan or Duvel (Flemmish for ‘the Devil’).

For those true-blue craft beer devotees, perhaps an Epic Mayhem leading into an Armageddon would suit while those who still sometimes sneak in the odd fizzy mainstream macro might feel more justified drinking a Judas. In that same vein, AB-Inbev has a rather sneaky ‘crafty’ (rather than craft) version of their faux-boutique Shock Top called End of the World Midnight Wheat which might be the liquid equivalent of a day or two in Purgatory before the Supreme Scorekeeper decides your ultimate fate.

For those of a truly religious disposition a Southern Bay Requiem would make a fitting tribute to a life lived well while those who have strayed from the path of righteousness may wish to shuffle off this mortal coil with Holgate Brewhouse Beelzebub’s Jewels in hand. So to speak. Those with a leaning towards the Norse mythology will welcome a trip to Valhalla with, well, a Valhalla Golden Ale from Kooinda and those of a Gaelic background could sip on a Bridge Road Brewers Celtic Red Ale as they meet their maker.

Of course all these suggestions are predicated on the fact that we are to believe that the world will end, as predicted, by the Mayans. If they’d spent more time developing beer instead of attempting to frighten the feeble minded offspring of generations future by calling the end-of-everything-as-we-know-it then we would all now be concentrating on more important things. Like, will Ricky Martin be a better judge on Australia’s Talent Factor Voice than whoever he replaces and which other craft brewery will Lion buy itself for Christmas.

To finish, here’s one I can’t go past. Symbiotic Solipsism from Abbotsford’s avant-garde outfit Moondog sums it all up nicely. Solipsism is the philosophical idea that only one’s own mind is sure to exist. Knowledge of anything outside one’s own mind is unsure. The external world and other minds cannot be known, and might not exist outside the mind. Symbiosis is the close and often long-term interaction between two or more different biological species. Think of Nemo being able to live in an otherwise poisonous environment.

In other words, if YOU think it’s all going to turn violently pear-shaped some time on Friday then you may just be right. But, symbiosis suggests that unless others around you are in some sort of cosmic unison with your thoughts, it might not happen afterall. One might cancel out the other even if one is true. I drink therefore I am. Think about THAT!

In case the Mayans were on to something, cheers, thanks for all your support and friendship and, for those I haven’t met yet, I’ll see you on the other side for a few pints of something nice. I reckon I’ve lived an honest life thus far and I welcome whatever is on The Other Side.

But just in case; “I believe in you, Jebus!!”

“Queens visit Foster’s style,James Squire paedophile/Takeovers marketing,RBN editing/ Time is the 5th ingredient, Kirkegaard I am lookin’ at YOU! It’s the end of the world as we know it/ And I feeeeeel fine!!”